January 20th, 2006


(no subject)

I feel so hopeless. I knew that funding Raederle going to college was not going to be an easy thing, but now that push has come to shove, 'they' expect us to take out a PLUS loan of $23,000. We can't do that. Even if we had the money to pay such a thing back, we're in bankruptcy and therefore forbidden to incur any debt.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to tell her that it isn't going to happen. I don't want to see her become as hopeless as I am. She deserves to go. I fuckin' deserve for her to go! But there aren't scholarships for low-middle class white girls. Even if they show marvellous initiative, intelligence, thoughtfulness, and good grades. Nor is there government help. Everyone else in her school has only to apply to be offered six or seven scholarships. Because they're black.

I can't even go to work, save money so that she could go after another year. It takes all the energy I've got to make progress on the house. Maybe a year from now, I'll get it together and have more time. But I wasn't able to do more than part-time three years ago, and I'm not better than I was then. I'm just crying and crying today, since I got the funding notice. There's nothing I can do.

And you, my beloved flist, have pretty much deserted me. I know everyone is busy with their own problems and plans and going to ORC. And I deeply wish for all of you a wonderful time. Or a positive resolution to your own problems.

(no subject)

Well, now the tears are - what would you call it? Gratitude for all your wonderful comments and concern. Thank you.

I went and talked with Raederle, tears streaming down my face. I told her of the impossibility of coming up with that kind of money barring some kind of scholarship manifesting out of the air. She was silent a minute and then she said, "I think that Buff State has a good graphic arts program."

So we discussed this. The problem with going to school out of state is that there is then no state grant. The problem of a private school, as I expect you know, is the cost. Buffalo State College or the State University of Buffalo are both good schools, and TAP (state) and PELL (federal) would cover most of the tuition for them. So we're going to go ahead and get her set up with one of these schools, keeping Harrington 'up' in case of a miracle.

There are various factors which make a change of plans so disturbing. But we have discussed some contingency plans.

1) She had simply wanted to get out of Buffalo. A worthy goal in itself.

So she is going to also look into other schools in New York that are state funded.

2) She and Travanti had expected to get an apartment together in Chicago. He truly expects them to eventually get married. She isn't so sure, but is looking to see where things take her. So he is extremely upset over the idea of her not going to Chicago. He might even go so far as to find a way to pay for it himself. I wouldn't count on it, though. Who's to say they'll even still be together another six months?

But they could actually get an apartment near the Buffalo college.

3) Harrington is the very best place to go for Interior Decorating. They have very close to the best reputation in the country, and their placement of graduates is very high. On the other hand, Raederle has begun to have doubts about the program, not sure she really wants to do that much math.

So maybe she'd rather do graphic arts anyway.

So, yeah, I had a self-pitying, panicky, poor-me moment. Thank you for helping me.