Taro (mother2012) wrote,
Taro
mother2012

Sometimes I just want to give up.

I try so hard, and it doesn't seem to get me anywhere.

No matter what financial issues I'm dealing with, there is never enough money. No matter what I gain, there are losses to match.

I love my family, but for the most part they would do just as well without me. My friends seriously try to give back to me as much as I give to them, but they can't.

The only thing I *really* enjoy, to the point of saying 'that's what I live for' is gaming; mostly board games. I love the 'puzzle', the working of elements together to create a whole, while interacting with other people in a way that doesn't put a stress on me. Now my best gaming friend has moved away. (And best of fortune and future to you.) Fortunately, Hubby is playing more regularly. I think it's because he's discovered that he *can* win against me. Which is probably because my brain just doesn't work well anymore.

I have fought for my health since I was 20 and learned about low blood sugar. I have learned everything I could about what was going on with my body, and done my best to do what is needed. But it's a losing battle. Yes, everyone loses it in the end. I'm losing rapidly now.

When I first gave up sugar, it lasted for more than 5 years. And when I realized how much I had slipped, I was able to recover. But every time I fight this battle, I have less strength for it, and the victory is shorter.

I find that at this point in my life, I put on stern resolve at least once a month, and last less than a week.

Right now, I am limping - having a hard time getting around without a crutch. My shoulder is acting up again. And I don't want to do anything. My brain doesn't work well at all. For instance, in spite of hard resolve that a bill had to be paid yesterday, I forgot. You might say 'that happens to everyone' and it does. But that's sort of like forgetting a doctor's appointment. You just don't do it. Yet it happens to me all the time now.

For the last month, I've had difficulty with dry mouth. A couple weeks ago, I realized that it's not a small thing. There are foods I can't eat, because it's like sand in my mouth. They don't process. Extreme example - cracker. Put a crumbled cracker in your mouth and try to swallow it without mashing it up first. Can't do it. And I have no saliva. Looking it up, I find Sjögren's Syndrome, which has no cure and very little in effective treatment. This also involves dry eyes. Why yes, now that you mention it, I've been having trouble with that too.

Another place links Sjögren's with sugar overuse. What a surprise! And mentions that the sore tongue that goes with it is due to yeast infection. So now I know that Sjögren's was inevitable, considering that in spite of two years of intensive trying, I can't get rid of the yeast.

So now I can't really eat. Guess what still tastes good? Sweets, of course. The things I should be eating - spinach for instance, burn my tongue.

After a week of this oppressive heat (over 90 with high humidity), during which I really have eaten very little (mostly because it's too hot, not because of will power), it's depressing to find that my symptoms are actually worse.

And I can't get enough sleep.
Tags: bursitis, diet, food, health, life, pain, sugar, yeast
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